Everyday that I wake up, I have to make a choice between living and dyeing.
I have contemplated suicide for many years now, I have thought of the question consecutively almost every day or every other day.
As a high schooler I was certain that I was going to end my life on my 18th birthday, but it has been a long time since my 18th birthday has passed, yet here I stand, as miserable as ever, but still breathing.
Stuck in a dead end job with no future prospects for improvement, with no visible path to living the life of my dreams, I am forced to question if this existence is worth it.
In this time I feel the pain of every heart break, every failure, and every disappointment all compiled into big feeling of disparity.
The regret, anger, resentment, and guilt in regards to my past haunts me.
I start to think of things like:
If only I had the ability to spend more time with my friends when I was younger, I’d have some happy memories to look back on.
If only I had the ability to fall in love and experience a new dimension of our existence on Earth.
Looking back I am crushed by the feeling that most of my life has been a waste of time.
The lost time burns holes into my soul.
I had no control over it, I was just a kid, lost, and cursed by my families way of life.
Youth is one of the only times where we are able to fully able to enjoy our lives, where we can live and love worry free, where our friendships are free of any ulterior motives, and our hearts are pure.
Once our youth passes, we are bombarded by bills, responsibilities, and other adulty things.
I never got to experience the freedom of youth, I feel cheated out of 7 years of my life.
I held it together as a child because I bought into the lie that things would change upon hitting adult hood.
If I could go back, I would make many changes to my way of life.
I would stop giving a fuck about rules, I would stop giving a fuck about fear, or pain, I would maximize my list of experiences, regardless of the consequences, and hopefully die in a underage driving accident before ever reaching adult hood.
As a kid, I was never the kid with the nicest clothes, or the nicest new gadgets, or the kid with the coolest anything. I was forced into this state of mediocrity that internally burned my soul.
There is nothing that I can do about the past, I can’t go back, I can’t change that.
The only question I am left with is, should I keep going, or should I tap out of life?
Can I change things? or will things run in the same rhythm as my past?
I can simply hope for things to change, and hope for better days but I have driven down that road many times prior, and I hate to break it to you, but things just don’t change regardless of how much you wish for them to change.
You have to create a plan, a vision, and take action to bring that vision into fruition.
For me, I want to live free, with the ability to do whatever I want to do, whenever I want to do it.
I don’t want to live a life that is anything less than that.
I can simply think of this and go about my regular life without making any changes, but should I do this, my life will never change.
Starting today, I am dedicating my self to a life of no rest, of no Netflix, of no YouTube binge watching.
I am dedicating myself to a life where use every second to maximize my productivity in the things that I am able to accomplish.
Your level of freedom is directly correlated with the number of zeros in your bank account.
The number of zeros in your bank account are directly correlated to the amount of value you are able to bring to a specific person, group of people, or market.
The value you are able to bring is directly correlated with your level of productivity.
Hence I must focus on my ability to become the most productive person I have ever met, now if this means living my life with every second of my life prescheduled, then I am willing to submit myself to that torture, if it means not being able spend time relaxing, so be it, if it means not being able to sleep in on Sunday’s, then so be it.
If you are not willing to make sacrifices for your goals, then your goals become the ultimate sacrifice.
I remember getting drunk one night and climbing up to the top of a very tall building, ready to jump, ready to see the end, and ready to meet my maker, but something held me back, there was a grain of hope within the confines of my broken heart, and that held me back that night, that stopped me from jumping.
I will do all of this, I will do my best, and try my hardest, but in the end if nothing changes then I can climb back up to that ledge, and cross the bridge from life over to death with a smile on my face, knowing that this was the only option left.
This will be a place for me to anonymously post about my journey, hopefully you are able to learn something out of my experiences and able to build a better life for yourself.
If just one person feels an impact from my writing, my goal for these blog style posts will be accomplished.
